Living in a Van Down by the River

Rolling Stones Magazine recently listed a Saturday Night Live skit featuring comedian Chris Farley as Matt Foley, a 35-year old motivational speaker, as one of SNL's all time best.  In the skit, Chris lectures two teenagers (played by David Spade and Christina Applegate) about the direction their lives will take if they keep smoking dope.  I have to admit that it is one of the funniest skits I have ever seen, and Chris Farley is hilarious as the screaming, sweating motivational speaker.

As he is pulls and twists on the belt of his pants, he screams to the young teenagers: "You kids are probably thinking to yourselves that you are going to go out and get the world by the tail, you're going to wrap it around and pull it down and put it in your pocket."

He continues, "We'll, I'm here to tell you that you're probably going to find out as you go out there, that you're not going to amount to jack squat!  You're going to wind up eating a steady diet of government cheese, and ... LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!"

The final line is delivered with such despair and self-loathing (delivered as only Chris Farley can) that the audience breaks up laughing.  It IS a funny line -- and one that goes down as one of his all time greats.

While watching the skit again this morning, I started thinking how perfect -- and prescient -- it was for  today.  The consequences of doing nothing with your life resonates with so many things happening with America right now, that it's hard to believe it was performed over 20 years ago.

Here's how it resonates with me --

Take the push to legalize dope.  Like gay marriage, it's become the media darling of 2014.  Since a bill legalizing it in Colorado, the push to legalize marijuana is going into overdrive.  States like Hawaii, Maine, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island and Vermont all have legislation pending that will legalize pot.  Other states are watching closely to see what happens.

I feel like this country has lost its mind -- the inmates are controlling the asylum.   One-hundred years after California was the first to criminalize marijuana, our country is ready to embark on an experiment that will dumb down its citizens, increase drug use, and most importantly for our government, increase tax revenues.  Maybe that's all I need to know.  Legislators are selling their souls to the devil, hoping the legalization of pot will sooth another kind of addiction -- spending our money.

Never underestimate the capacity of our government to throw its citizens under the bus.  If it means more power and money flowing to Washington D.C. and its bureaucracy, you can guarantee they'll find a way to do it.  Our elected officials don't give a damn about the people they represent, as is clearly evident in the laws they pass or laws they don't enforce.

My oldest son and I have had a number of discussions about the legalization of pot.  Showing his youthful indiscretion, he asks:  Why is it ok to buy alcohol, but not pot?  Won't it reduce violent crime that is associated with selling pot?  Isn't it our right to have freedom to do what we want (appealing to his libertarian side)?

I've never bought into the argument that one wrong (alcoholism) should permit another wrong (being stoned).  Both are stupid, and ruin lives in ways I'm fortunate not to have experienced.  In addition, I'm a believer in pot's"gateway effect" which could lead to other drug use that are even more destructive.  Why take the chance?

As for crime, since when does the cost of criminalizing an activity lead to its suspension?  Yeah, we spend a lot of time and money on busting drug dealers and putting users in jail.  Maybe we need to rethink the need to jail users (charge them a punitive amount to discourage its use), but I'm sure the dealers in Mexico, South America, Asia and West Africa aren't going to quit selling heroin and cocaine just because you take marijuana off the shelf.

Besides, law enforcement officers are against the use of legal items like guns -- what makes you think they could possibly feel good about legalizing a product that will only lead to more violence?

The point I'm making is that people in this county are acting out the parts of Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels in the movie "Dumb and Dumber."  Roles which lead to a less productive society and by fiat, longer lines at the welfare office.  Why do we want that?

Chris Farley's skit also resonates when I hear that Obama Care is going to result in millions losing their jobs.  Democrats, fearing retribution, have come up with the spin that this will allow people the freedom to quit their jobs and find the time to do what they really want to do.  Like the single mom who is going to leave her miserable job as an accountant so she can be the artist she always wanted to be.  According to Obama, it will no longer be necessary for her to suffer at work just to maintain the health benefits that cover her and her baby.

Now the State will take care of her health insurance costs by subsidizing her "family" through higher taxation on those of us still working.  For these blood sucking parasites, they will finally find their calling as unemployed artists, actors and musicians.  At some point in their "career" they'll realize that working means more than just getting health benefits.  But by that time, I suppose the State will also provide cable television, cell phones, and other necessities we currently work for.

In step with Obama Care freeing people to pursue their dreams, is the perverse requirement for people to pay more for their health insurance if they earn too much.  Nothing will encourage people to quit a productive life than the idea that they can get more in benefits by working less.

It is not by accident that Obama Care was set up to fail.  The entire premise behind its subsidies and tax credits was to reward those who had less. Are you unemployed, a minimum wage earner, college student, or  a single mom?  Do we have a plan for you...

On the other hand, if you work full time earning a salary that barely pays the mortgage, your auto payment and some of the college expenses for your two kids, we are going to require you to pay 25 to 50% more for your health plan.  It's the only way to be fair to those in need.

No wonder Obama keeps delaying its implementation.  People are going to revolt when they find out how bad it's going to be.  Or quit their jobs and join the unemployed.  It's madness, and once again, our country is buying it every four years.  Presidents Roosevelt, Kennedy, Carter, Clinton and now Obama follow the same game plan.  But they need us (living in a van down by the river) to pull it off.

The irony of Chris Farley's funny characterization of Matt Foley trying to get teenagers to stop smoking pot is that he died at the age of 33 while speedballing cocaine, heroin and morphine.  Hardly the future he envisioned while performing for Saturday Night Live.

Too bad life isn't like television, where you can watch reruns and learn from your mistakes.

The Year Was 1958

"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once."
-- Dave Barry

As I turn the corner on my fifth decade, I find myself looking for humor as a way to deal with the pain I feel every day I get out of bed.  Physical pain from my plantar fasciitis, and the psychological pain from Washington politicians coming from the radio.

If given a choice I'd take physical pain every day.  There's medication to help with that, of course.  But after 55 years, I'm still looking for some type of pain relief from politicians.

At this point, I'd rather have a colonoscopy than listen to President Obama.  At least during the colonoscopy I'm mostly unconscious...

Today, my sister sent a birthday card.  That's something that hasn't happened in I don't know how many years (Tina, do you know something that I don't?).  Typically, I'm not big on birthday cards -- I don't need birthday greetings from people I hardly know, just mom, family and a few friends.  I really don't know why businesses send birthday cards.  My previous broker dealer still sends me a card even though I left them 8 years ago.  Somehow, I'm still in their computer system and I will be for as long as I stay with my current employer.  Isn't technology great?

Today, I guess Facebook and other social media outlets have a firm grip on birthday celebrations.  Every other week I get a notice from Facebook that reminds me to send a birthday greeting.  Type "Happy birthday, Brian!"  Hit the enter key.  Join a dozen other electronic greetings guaranteed to make his day.  Technology has a way of either keeping you young, or reminding you just how old you really are.

All I know is that birthdays tend to remind you of how much things change.

I have to remind my youngest son that I come from an era when neighbors would talk to each other over their backyard fence and use the (only) phone in the house with other neighbors who shared the party line.  Watching movies on television was an occasion -- I can remember mom making me take my Saturday night bath before I could watch Robinson Crusoe on Mars.  And CBS was the place to be on Thursday and Friday night to watch a two-part showing of The Guns of Navarone starring Gregory Peck and David Niven.  Today, you can download RC on Mars from MovieBerry.com for free and watch The Guns of Navarone three times in two weeks on TBS.

Too much of a good thing just becomes ... normal.



"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
-- Erma Bombeck

It's funny how I've been receiving birthday presents for all these years and yet most of them I can't remember.  Sure, there's been shirts, pants and ties that have come and gone.  But that's about it.

I seem to have an easier time remembering presents I bought for someone else than my own gifts. Fear must be a more formidable emotion than anticipation, because I can still remember the reaction I got from Liz when I bought her a set of pots and pans for her birthday.  Something about the angry shape of her eyes and the flare of her nostrils told me my well-intentioned gift wasn't going to be thought of the same way.  I'm just glad I didn't decide to buy that set of cutlery I was eying.

I do remember getting a GI Joe action astronaut with space capsule for my birthday when I was in seventh grade.  I don't know what was so cool about it, but I enjoyed it enough that I took it to school for show and tell.  Apparently I wasn't the only one who thought it was cool -- when I went to pick it up at the end of the school day, I discovered someone had stolen it.  I never did find out what happened to it, but today when I look on Amazon I can find one that sells for $299.  I hope whoever took it from me kept it in good shape.



 

Another birthday gift that I remember was a Batman coloring book.  Back in my day, Batman wasn't the dramatic Black Knight movie star that he is today.  The television series (which ran from 1966-1968) was a campy series featuring Adam West and Burt Ward as Batman and Robin.  As a young boy, however, I loved it.  So much so in fact that my friends and I used to play in the front yard, imitating the "CRASH!" "POW!" and "BAM!" that was always a part of the show's inevitable showdown between Batman and the Penguin, Riddler or Joker.


I had a thing for Cat Woman and Batgirl who -- thanks to their costume designers -- always drew more attention to their tight fitting catsuits and high heels than their combat readiness.  But then again, the show was designed for young boys like me who had more curiosity in girls than common sense.

I wonder if Crayola still makes crayon boxes with the built-in sharpener?  Oh, for the good old days when my biggest concern was coloring inside the lines.



"Wherever the past has gone, the best is always yet to come."
--Mark Twain

My sister sent me a book that lists some of the events that took place during the year I was born, which is always fun to look through.  Some of them you can't believe actually occurred during your lifetime -- they seem better suited for a history book than for something I lived through.

For example, cost of living:  back in 1958, a new house cost $11,975; a new car topped out at $2,155; tuition at Harvard University was $1,000 per year; gasoline cost 24 cents a gallon, and you could mail a letter with the help of a 4 cent stamp.

In world news:  the President of the United States was Dwight Eisenhower (Vice President was Richard Nixon); TIME magazine "Man of the Year" was Charles De Gaulle (French president); James Dean, who became a cultural icon in "Rebel Without A Cause," died at the age of 24; NASA was founded as the National Aeronautics and Space Administration of the U.S.; Lego toy bricks were introduced to children; and the aluminum can was first used as a food container.

In movies:  Alfred Hitchcock's Vertigo; Vincent Minnelli's Gigi; Richard Brook's Cat on a Hot Tin Roof; and Orson Well's Touch of Evil.  And, of course, my favorite -- Terence Brooks' Horror of Dracula (should have won the Academy award for best movie).

In the end, no matter how many birthdays come and go, the real test of how old you are is this:  are you able to still do the things you want?  And enjoying them? 

Three activities give me hope.

I still playing basketball -- running the court's 94 feet takes a little longer, but I'm still getting 15,000 steps in 3 times a week.  My 3 point shot still goes in.  In fact it may be better today than years ago (and no, Tom, I didn't travel on that one).  I can honestly say that without that hour of basketball, my workdays would be a lot longer, so how can I complain about that?  As we always say at the end of a bad day of hoops, "there's always next time."  See?  Sometimes forgetting things isn't all that bad.

Liz and I have been dancing for the last ten years -- the complexities of the fox trot, tango, swing and samba have faded as we continue to take lessons from the Moonlight Dance Studio.  If someone had told me I'd be dancing -- and enjoying -- the same dances my parents did years ago, I'd have called him a liar.  I'm not sure what got Liz and I started (maybe it was one of those birthday presents I can't remember), but we were dancing the light fantastic long before TV's "Dancing With The Stars" became popular.  And as long as the ankles and my arches hold up, you'll find us dancing at La rosse's Concordia Ballroom and dance clubs in Winona, Fountain City, Rochester and Baraboo.

Two of my best friends and I get together every year to celebrate each others birthdays.  It's usually over lunch and not very expensive.  The same group decided to get together at the Recovery Room bar to celebrate our fiftieth birthday.  Between work, friends and family we had a pretty good turnout.  My feelings about both are its great as long as all three of us are living.  We've been through so much that I feel closer to them than my brother or sisters.  School, roommates, weddings and our children's graduations are imprinted into my mind --  and every year we keep adding more and more memories.  It will not be the same when one of us is gone...

So (for my 55th birthday) while the world is changing around me, the people I know are changing as well (there's a perverse sense of satisfaction in knowing that).  In my general circle of friends I'm one of the oldest.  So in some ways, I'm pioneering the way.

We all struggle with smaller electronics, but appreciate what they bring to the table.  We all wake up with aches and pains in the morning, but still remember how we got them.  And I bet we all recognize the people in the mirror, even if they have a little more gray in their hair. 

Here's to 1958 -- and every year since.

Losing Our Way

A few weeks ago, Jason Collin's gay coming out party made the cover of "Sports Illustrated," and virtually every newscast on the planet.  Today's article by the reigning NFL's most valuable player, Adrian Peterson, barely made a ripple.

Peterson, a running back for the Minnesota Vikings, told Sirius/XM NFL Radio last week that gay marriage "was not something I believe in."  Peterson made his comments when asked about his thoughts on the Vikings cutting longtime punter Chris Kluwe, an outspoken advocate for gay rights and gay marriage.

Peterson has been kicking Packer butt for years.

While Peterson agreed that it hurt to see his good friend leave the Vikings, he made it clear he differs with the punter on the issue of gay marriage.

"To each his own, (but) I'm not with it," he said.  "I have relatives who are gay.  I'm not biased towards them and I still treat them the same.  I love them, but again -- I'm not into that.  That's not something I believe in.  But to each his own."

Peterson concluded with, "I'm sure the Vikings organization didn't release him based on (his outspoken nature).  They know Kluwe, and they've known him for a long time."

With Minnesota becoming the 12th state to legalize gay marriage, and set to begin conducting same-sex weddings on August 1, you would think this would be big news.  Predictably, it wasn't.  I stumbled upon it while reading "Bleacher Report," a blog for Wisconsin Badger fans.  I had to search for the story on the ESPN website and other sports related sites.

The Vikings new uniforms were bigger news than this.

Why is it that an aging, out of work basketball player can announce he's gay, and the whole sports world (and most of the mainstream media) go nuts, but the reigning MVP of the most popular sport on television says he's "not with it" and it barely registers?

Is it because it doesn't fit our media's social engineering profile?

I tried to find information on the percentage of sports athletes in favor / against gay marriage.  Yahoo's search engine pounded out the results, with 99% of available links showing some type of support for gays.  They went something like this:  Pro Athletes Take a Stand Against Homophobia in Sports, Discrimination Against Gay Athletes On Sports Agenda, and A History of Athletes Saying Terrible Things About Gay People."  Do you think I could find anything in support of heterosexual marriage in sports?  Not until page three, and then it was a small blurb about Adrian Peterson's comments.

The results didn't provide supporting evidence for OR against gay marriage.  It just scrambled everything positive about gay issues to the front of the line.  In case you didn't know it before, you do now.  Search engines are as biased toward liberal results as is everything else these days.

If anyone should be crying "bias!" it should be quarterback Tim Tebow, who has been criticized for his religious beliefs by sports media since the day he was drafted by Denver in the first round of the NFL draft.  In his brief football career, Tebow has been criticized for wearing his faith on his sleeve.  Gay journeyman Jason Collins wears his sexual preference on his sleeve and gets calls from President Obama and ESPN.

Tebow doesn't cause problems with other players or get into trouble with the law.  He sets a great example for youngsters and has the type of values that should be welcomed in every locker room.  He boasts 2.2 million followers on Facebook and has been named by Americans as the pro athlete who holds the most influence with the public.  Yet he is out of a job, following his dismissal from the New York Jets.  Who do you think will get a job first -- Tebow or Collins?  And who will get the blame if a team doesn't pick them?

I think you know the answer.

1973's Battle of the Sexes

It's been one gay victory after another this year.  The overwhelming push coming from the Progressive left -- including sport media and big time political donations (sometimes 5 to 1 in favor of gay marriage) -- has states like Minnesota ignoring the voting majority and passing laws to allow a  new definition for marriage.  Money speaks, especially in sports.

To the left, sports like football, basketball and baseball continue to represent a new frontier.  In the past, they have pushed  racial equality (even though most of the NFL is black), equality of the sexes (remember the "Battle of the Sexes" where Bobbie Riggs played Billy Jean King in tennis in 1973), and Title IX  which forced a certain ratio of women's sports for every men's sport in college.

Today, the physical, snot-busting, winner-take-all entertainment of major league sports needs to become less dangerous and more politically correct.  Progressives want to change sports from "a pursuit of victory" to a "guarantee of victory."

At the athletic facilities of West Point Military Academy you will find these words:  "Upon the fields of friendly strife are sown seeds that on other fields, on other days, will bear the fruits of victory."  Never have those words rung more hollow than today.   Liberals have taken away most of the fun that came with childhood recess --  no more dodgeball and please don't keep score because it may hurt someone's feelings -- and now they're trying to change America's most popular sports.

If the left continues to push for social change in sports -- and they will -- football and basketball will never be the same.  Showing athletes as "pioneers in social change" would make me laugh, if it didn't hurt so much.  And calling "for an end to homophobia in sports" paints a picture of intolerance, abuse and vitriol that simply doesn't exist.

Unfortunately -- NFL lawyers, players' union leaders, and the bureaucrats in Washington -- will not give up.  It's what they live for.  With a younger draft of NFL players coming into the league every year, eventually things will change.

As Adrian Peterson's comments show, the left only keeps score if their side is winning.

Flash! It's the End of the World! --- Again

JAPAN FACING 20,000 DEAD, POTENTIAL NUCLEAR MELTDOWNS,ECONOMIC COLLAPSE!

MASS DEPOPULATION.  GENOCIDE.  WWIII?

ECONOMIC ARMAGEDDON.  HERE WE COME!

IS THIS THE END OF LABOR IN AMERICA?

ALEXANDER McQUEEN CHOSEN TO DESIGN KATE MIDDLETON'S WEDDING DRESS! 

All of these headlines indicate doom, gloom and the end of life as we know it -- except for the last one, which makes me want to end it all.  As a writer -- proudly inculcated at the University of Wisconsin-Madison's journalism school -- I know a lot about getting people to read the news.

At the least, I can write a good headline when I need to.

As a result, I feel like I'm qualified to view today's news with a skeptical eye, especially when it uses a certain brand of "armageddon journalism."

I have talked to more people lately that wonder if things have ever been as bad as they are today.  And if you cut up your local rag into just headlines, you might agree.  News editors will always say that bad news sells papers.

Even my 82-year-old mother lamented the other day that she feels things have never been worse. This from a lady who lived through the Great Depression, Pearl Harbor and the advent of WWII, the historic bombing of Hiroshima, Japan, the assassination of John Kennedy, the horrors of the Vietnam War and finally 9/11.  Even the advent of Elvis Presley and his pelvic gyrations from the 50's and 60's don't depress her as much as the protests occurring in Madison, Wisconsin and their recall efforts to undo the 2010 elections.

Are things really worse today than the soup lines during the Great Depression?  Sending a nation of young men into World War II?  Or storming the beaches of Normandy?

Maybe it's the immediacy of today's news.  No more waiting for next week's Time Magazine or tomorrow's newspaper.  You can't turn on the radio or cable news without being reminded of how terrible things are in the world today (TROUBLE IN MICHIGAN:  DETROIT POPULATION SHRINKS BY 25%!).  There's no escaping the hostility and vitriol coming from the mouths of politicians, cable news talking heads and newspaper opinion/editorial pages (WHOOPIE GOLDBERG IS HACKED OFF AT DONALD TRUMP, THINKS HE'S A RACIST!).  Or visit a gas station without being reminded of recall efforts.

Today's mainstream media have developed a style of reporting that I call Armageddon journalism which means that they report facts as quickly as possible and in the most dramatic way to garner the most coverage and influence opinion.  Three examples come to mind:  1) the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, 2) the global warming scare and 3) the earthquake/tsunami coverage in Japan.

If you didn't know better, last year's British Petroleum oil spill caused irreparable damage to the coast area bordering Louisiana.  Daily viewing of oil slick beaches and marshes (2,000 SQUARE MILES OF WETLANDS LOST FOREVER!), dead wildlife (DOLPHIN CARCASS FOUND IN THE GULF BLEEDING FROM MOUTH AND BLOW HOLE!) and unemployed fisherman  (ONE MILLION JOBS PERMANENTLY LOST IN GULF DISASTER!) created an image of immense destruction, with the only solution being a complete moratorium on oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico.  Damn the later evidence which pointed to a situation that was much less destructive than previously predicted.

Since Al Gore presented his infamous "An Inconvenient Truth" there have been numerous doomsday predictions claiming that global warming is real, potentially catastrophic and caused by humans.  Don't let Al Gore's political agenda -- including carbon taxes (HOLLYWOOD EARNS PUBLIC PRAISE THROUGH CARBON CREDITS!), redistribution of wealth (WHERE DID MIDDLE CLASS GO?) and green energy business (GARBAGE TRUCK CUTS HARMFUL EMISSIONS, BUT STILL STINKS!)  -- muddy the real truth which includes record low temperatures, an increasing ice mass around the poles and naturally occurring carbon dioxide in everything from trees to flatulent dairy cows.

Japan has been severely hurt by the the recent earthquake and tsunami as evidenced by the death of thousands and the destruction of towns, crops and infrastructure.  However, there has been quite a bit of hysteria (RISKY BUSINESS: NUCLEAR CATASTROPHE IN JAPAN!) by every news outlet claiming the dangers of nuclear energy to human life.  Greenpeace and every other uber-liberal group has been shouting at the top of their lungs that we must put an end to nuclear power because it's just TOO DANGEROUS.  "More windmills and solar panels," they shout.  Yes, the nuclear accident in Fukushima Daiichi is terrible.  But, just like the oil spill and global warming threat, the potential dangers of nuclear power plants have to be put into perspective.  It's so easy to predict disaster when the potential for disaster exists.  Hysterically reporting a nuclear meltdown in Japan is not only armageddon journalism at its finest, but also has the long term effects of limiting the energy options needed by our society for years to come (as does misreporting the BP oil damage in the Gulf of Mexico).

[As an aside, the Caithness Windfarm Information Forum reported that there were 35 fatalities associated with wind turbines in the United States from 1970 to 2010.  Nuclear energy, by contrast, did not kill a single American in that time.  So you tell me which has been the deadlier alternative in the United States?]

I think the internet has changed everything, beginning with social networking.   There's never been an easier way to make your opinion known than Facebook, My Space, Twitter or any other networking site.  These opinions -- (WALKER DESTROYING WORKING CLASS IN WISCONSIN!) -- drive a wedge between friends and enemies, men and women, sports fans and high school classmates.  Don't like how the latest election went?  Get on line and broadcast your political views so everyone, including casual friends, family and coworkers who support a different view, can think less of you than before.  And be sure to sign off with a something along the lines of "can't we all just get along?"

All this bad news is affecting how we get along with people, including complaining about young girls or boys who sell girl scout cookies or lemonade to people in the neighborhood or at fairs and festivals.  What has happened to society when they can't put their own, unhappy lives aside for a little old-fashioned entrepreneurship?

We need a night at the drive in movies to remind us of the better things in life.  Or maybe a night of dancing the foxtrot, rhumba and swing.  How about we try "spades, alone." in a game of euchre?  

I always feel better after a vacation (MAMA MIA!  ITALIAN VACATIONS FOR 65% LESS!) when I don't watch the news or read the daily news.  Vacations are excellent for creativity, stress-reduction and for relieving job burnout.  As much as any of those, I think the fact that you can sit in an Irish pub drinking a pint of Harp, Guinness or Beamish instead of watching BBC America (IS THE TEA PARTY THE END OF AMERICA?) , lends itself to feeling better after seven days in Galway, Ireland.  Get away from it all and it's amazing what you think you can accomplish.

People need to unplug themselves from their cell phones and daily diet of news, cable tv, reality shows and social networks if they want to return to a less stressful life.   Wouldn't it be nice if network news, national public radio and big city newspapers could put aside their political leanings and just report the news?  Isn't it time for society to find its soul again, and feel good about their jobs, country, family and future?

If not --  it's the end of life as we know it (THE BORG ARE COMING!).  Again.