Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Living in a Van Down by the River

Rolling Stones Magazine recently listed a Saturday Night Live skit featuring comedian Chris Farley as Matt Foley, a 35-year old motivational speaker, as one of SNL's all time best.  In the skit, Chris lectures two teenagers (played by David Spade and Christina Applegate) about the direction their lives will take if they keep smoking dope.  I have to admit that it is one of the funniest skits I have ever seen, and Chris Farley is hilarious as the screaming, sweating motivational speaker.


As he is pulls and twists on the belt of his pants, he screams to the young teenagers: "You kids are probably thinking to yourselves that you are going to go out and get the world by the tail, you're going to wrap it around and pull it down and put it in your pocket."

He continues, "We'll, I'm here to tell you that you're probably going to find out as you go out there, that you're not going to amount to jack squat!  You're going to wind up eating a steady diet of government cheese, and ... LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!"

The final line is delivered with such despair and self-loathing (delivered as only Chris Farley can) that the audience breaks up laughing.  It IS a funny line -- and one that goes down as one of his all time greats.

While watching the skit again this morning, I started thinking how perfect -- and prescient -- it was for  today.  The consequences of doing nothing with your life resonates with so many things happening with America right now, that it's hard to believe it was performed over 20 years ago.

Here's how it resonates with me --

Take the push to legalize dope.  Like gay marriage, it's become the media darling of 2014.  Since a bill legalizing it in Colorado, the push to legalize marijuana is going into overdrive.  States like Hawaii, Maine, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island and Vermont all have legislation pending that will legalize pot.  Other states are watching closely to see what happens.

I feel like this country has lost its mind -- the inmates are controlling the asylum.   One-hundred years after California was the first to criminalize marijuana, our country is ready to embark on an experiment that will dumb down its citizens, increase drug use, and most importantly for our government, increase tax revenues.  Maybe that's all I need to know.  Legislators are selling their souls to the devil, hoping the legalization of pot will sooth another kind of addiction -- spending our money.

Never underestimate the capacity of our government to throw its citizens under the bus.  If it means more power and money flowing to Washington D.C. and its bureaucracy, you can guarantee they'll find a way to do it.  Our elected officials don't give a damn about the people they represent, as is clearly evident in the laws they pass or laws they don't enforce.

My oldest son and I have had a number of discussions about the legalization of pot.  Showing his youthful indiscretion, he asks:  Why is it ok to buy alcohol, but not pot?  Won't it reduce violent crime that is associated with selling pot?  Isn't it our right to have freedom to do what we want (appealing to his libertarian side)?


I've never bought into the argument that one wrong (alcoholism) should permit another wrong (being stoned).  Both are stupid, and ruin lives in ways I'm fortunate not to have experienced.  In addition, I'm a believer in pot's"gateway effect" which could lead to other drug use that are even more destructive.  Why take the chance?

As for crime, since when does the cost of criminalizing an activity lead to its suspension?  Yeah, we spend a lot of time and money on busting drug dealers and putting users in jail.  Maybe we need to rethink the need to jail users (charge them a punitive amount to discourage its use), but I'm sure the dealers in Mexico, South America, Asia and West Africa aren't going to quit selling heroin and cocaine just because you take marijuana off the shelf.

Besides, law enforcement officers are against the use of legal items like guns -- what makes you think they could possibly feel good about legalizing a product that will only lead to more violence?

The point I'm making is that people in this county are acting out the parts of Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels in the movie "Dumb and Dumber."  Roles which lead to a less productive society and by fiat, longer lines at the welfare office.  Why do we want that?

Chris Farley's skit also resonates when I hear that Obama Care is going to result in millions losing their jobs.  Democrats, fearing retribution, have come up with the spin that this will allow people the freedom to quit their jobs and find the time to do what they really want to do.  Like the single mom who is going to leave her miserable job as an accountant so she can be the artist she always wanted to be.  According to Obama, it will no longer be necessary for her to suffer at work just to maintain the health benefits that cover her and her baby.

Now the State will take care of her health insurance costs by subsidizing her "family" through higher taxation on those of us still working.  For these blood sucking parasites, they will finally find their calling as unemployed artists, actors and musicians.  At some point in their "career" they'll realize that working means more than just getting health benefits.  But by that time, I suppose the State will also provide cable television, cell phones, and other necessities we currently work for.

In step with Obama Care freeing people to pursue their dreams, is the perverse requirement for people to pay more for their health insurance if they earn too much.  Nothing will encourage people to quit a productive life than the idea that they can get more in benefits by working less.

It is not by accident that Obama Care was set up to fail.  The entire premise behind its subsidies and tax credits was to reward those who had less. Are you unemployed, a minimum wage earner, college student, or  a single mom?  Do we have a plan for you...

On the other hand, if you work full time earning a salary that barely pays the mortgage, your auto payment and some of the college expenses for your two kids, we are going to require you to pay 25 to 50% more for your health plan.  It's the only way to be fair to those in need.

No wonder Obama keeps delaying its implementation.  People are going to revolt when they find out how bad it's going to be.  Or quit their jobs and join the unemployed.  It's madness, and once again, our country is buying it every four years.  Presidents Roosevelt, Kennedy, Carter, Clinton and now Obama follow the same game plan.  But they need us (living in a van down by the river) to pull it off.

The irony of Chris Farley's funny characterization of Matt Foley trying to get teenagers to stop smoking pot is that he died at the age of 33 while speedballing cocaine, heroin and morphine.  Hardly the future he envisioned while performing for Saturday Night Live.

Too bad life isn't like television, where you can watch reruns and learn from your mistakes.

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