Damaged Goods

My wife and I have been watching Netflix's excellent "Thirteen Reasons Why," a painful look at teen suicide.  I highly recommend it despite its subject matter.

If you're wondering why we would spend thirteen hours watching a television show about teen bullying and suicide you'd  have to at least watch the first episode to find the answer. 

As a synopsis, the series centers on  Clay Jensen and Hannah Baker, two high school junior classmates who are brought together by her suicide two weeks earlier.  Clay discovers the reason through a series of cassette tapes recorded by Hannah which explain in painful detail  the thirteen people responsible for her death.  One of which is Clay.

My biggest fear was thinking I wouldn't want to invest myself in a story that gives away the ending within the first ten minutes.  But knowing the ending doesn't tell you why she committed suicide and why someone like Clay, who was her best friend and one the nicest people she met at school, would be one of the thirteen reasons why.

And wanting to know the reason why kept us coming back until the bitter end.

So obviously there must be another reason why I feel the need to mention this Netflix series.  I'm not considering another career as a movie critic, although it has been a passing fancy of mine from time to time.  But with all the crap that has made its way out of Hollywood lately, I don't think I'd be very good at it.  I'd be like a food critic that every restaurant hates, or theatre critic that dies at the hands of a disgruntled actor (I can hear the mournful refrains of Murder She Wrote somewhere in my head.)

I mention it because of a couple of reasons --

First, suicide seems to touch us all.  There are over 30,000 suicides every year in the United States.  I've known two people in my life who have committed suicide, a business associate who locked himself in his garage with the car running, and just last weekend, a high school classmate who shot himself.  He was fifty-eight years old.  To those on the outside, their suicides are a shock and surprise.  Both people seemed to be successful, not that guarantees happiness.  But it showed me -- and I can only speak for myself -- that there is unfortunately a very dark side to people that they keep hidden to themselves.

It's also very difficult to understand how someone can be so depressed and distraught that they can see no other way through the pain and blackness of depression, and instead chose to end their lives.  Some of it is the result of pain, other times, to hurt those left behind.

Another reason I mention 13 Reasons Why is to comment on high school, and by extension, college culture.  The characters that Hannah credits with her death are fictional, but typical of every high school and college in existence.  Groups of jocks, cheerleaders and smart kids promote unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real power imbalance.  This imbalance allows students to make threats, spread rumors, attack someone physically or verbally, and exclude someone from a group on purpose.  I'm sure today's bullying is worse than ever, with the prevalence of social media and cell phones.

During a 30 minute epilogue following 13 Reasons Why,  its producer, director and actors talked about how challenging, but necessary it was to tell Hannah's story.  The discussion centered on how to stop bullying and how to recognize someone in trouble.  The real life characters are heard saying that the series had opened their eyes to the many ways students are bullied, and that all of us -- students, teachers and parents -- need to be more sensitive to those who are traumatized by speech and actions they find "hurtful" and "threatening."

This is an area where I see a lot of gray, whereas the producers (and school administrators and lawyers in real life) see black and white.  Yes, bullying is bad and can lead to tragic ends either through suicide or mass shootings.  Every effort should be made to stand up to bullying by supporting those being attacked, and by challenging bullies to stop.  Everyone can agree with that.  But by removing all hurtful and threatening actions you are not only asking for the impossible, but aren't you also contributing to the "snowflake mentality" that is becoming a problem in high school and college.  Despite the desire by many to make school a safe place, it will never be possible.  You can't make an environment populated by different sexes, cultures and ages into another "home"where you can shut your bedroom door and feel safe.

Wouldn't it be better to help students cope with bullying by strengthening their self esteem -- not by removing anything that is hurtful, but by teaching them how to respect other people and their opinions.  I don't want to make suicide political, but how is removing reality from school going to help anyone cope later in life?  Bullying is not going to go away -- despite excellent movies like 13 Reasons Why.  Let's give those in trouble tools that will not only save their lives, but maybe those who later feel guilty about their actions.

My final reason to mention 13 Reasons Why has to do with religion.  Not once during the thirteen hours is anyone shown talking to a priest or pastor about depression or suicide.  Since there is nothing shown of her funeral, we don't know if she was religious or not.  The same for her parents.  I suspect not.  Which is too bad, because faith would certainly have helped.  Either as a deterrent to suicide or as a coping mechanism for those left behind wondering "why did she do it?"

Most thoughts of suicide are associated with depression.  If you look at symptoms of depression, they include feeling empty, hopeless, guilty and worthless.

In contrast, I've always thought my belief in God gave me hope, filled an emptiness inside and made me feel blessed to have his love and protection.  Wouldn't you think that someone who had a strong belief in God would be less likely to feel vulnerable to bullying?  Less likely to commit suicide?  There is a tremendous amount of confidence you get from knowing you have God on your side.

Which brings to light another problem we have today:  why have we removed all mention of God from schools and holidays?  Instead of Christmas, students have winter break.  Schools have removed prayer from sporting events and from graduation for fear of upsetting some atheist or other non-religious group.   It's alright to have a day dedicated to diversity, to understand sexual identity, race and multicultural differences, but heaven forbid that they show any acceptance of a religious belief.  What a shame schools have removed one of the best ways to develop character and confidence, important traits useful in combating suicide.good

It's also a shame the author of 13 Reasons Why and its Netflix producers couldn't find any reason to give hope to many students who may be considering suicide through a relationship with God.

In that regard, despite being a highly recommended study in teenage behavior, I have to give it a failing grade.