Two of a Kind

I can still see my wife's face as she asked me the question.  She was lying on the living room couch, fear in her eyes and uncertainty in her voice as she said, "How are we ever going to do this?"

She might have been talking about choosing the right dress to go with her peep toe shoes or drapes for the bedroom windows (things that bring tears to my eyes), but no, she was wondering how we were going to find the money, time and energy to bring a new child into this world.

Back in 1986, we were living in Grand Rapids, Michigan having been married for a little over a year.  She was a nurse at Butterworth Hospital and I was a communications specialist for a small engineering firm called Rapid Engineering.  We were in love and focused on our careers like many newlyweds in their mid 20's.

 

I really envy people who are able to pick the time and place to have children.  They must either be really organized or able to control their sexual urges, or both, because we WERE NOT trying to bring another thumb sucker into this world.  We had plans for fixing up the house, taking vacations and planning ways to save for a cabin by the lake (still trying to do that one).  And yet, here we were discussing the impact of paying for diapers, formula and daycare on two paychecks worth about $500 a week, pre-tax.  Needless to say, we had little choice in the matter, and our first son was born about eight months later to two very excited parents.

Fast forward to 1992, and suddenly I was faced with the likelihood that my wife's visit to the obstetrician was about to confirm another bout of uncertainty and worry (insert graphic image of stomach ulcer).  I had recently taken a job with Beadle-Ewing Insurance in La Crosse, Wisconsin.  We were renting a small duplex while we adjusted to new jobs, friends and timezone.  I had recently been through the highs and lows of job searching and had decided to return home to try my hand at insurance sales.  Liz, always the steady one, was working in cardio-testing at Gundersen Clinic.

I should have known that the combination of a difficult job market, the attacks on Supreme Court nominee Clarence Thomas, and the completion of Bret Favre's first year in Green Bay, would forewarn the coming of our second son.

I can't say that the experience of our first child birth prepared me -- or my wife, since she had a role in it -- any better for the second time.  A full moon on the night of his birth is a standing joke with both of us every time I think about his arrival.  Needless to say, before the delivery was done, I learned how to combine "ass," "pretzel" and "head" thanks to my wife's suddenly expansive vocabulary.

I 'm sharing these moments of joy and perturbation because in a few months, this house will once again belong to just my wife and me.  It's an experience neither of us gave much thought to as my wife's belly -- and our food, clothing and school bills -- began to grow 25 and 18 years ago.

Our youngest boy (Sean) will be going away to college, joining his brother (Matt) in the pursuit of world knowledge, girls, coffee shop guitar jams, Miles Davis -- and if lucky -- the answer to why out-of-state colleges are so much more expensive than in-state ones.  Our house will no longer be filled with the sounds of cell phone alarm clocks, tables covered by homework, and entryways blocked by tennis shoes, backpacks or trumpet cases.  Images of our kids playing after a big snowfall or monopolizing the Mac will be replaced by empty place mats at the kitchen table and two toothbrushes in the upstairs bathroom.

It's too bad that their grandfathers didn't get to know our boys better before passing away.  In so many ways they are completely different.  Early on, Matt found success in his studies and tae kwon do, while Sean seemed to be a natural in sports, whether it was baseball, skiing or tennis.  Matt was more comfortable sleeping on a boat, while Sean couldn't wait to bait a hook and go fishing.  Both expressed an interest in all things musical, including playing trumpet in jazz band, wind ensemble and show choir.  The combined best band trophies between them could fill a small room.

As their father, I got to know them by being a scout parent, helping them advance through  the Tiger, Wolf, Bear and Webelos ranks.  Scout camping was never a favorite of mine, but the night spent in the car with Matt because of his fear of spiders will never be forgotten. If there was a flicker of enjoyment remaining to sleeping in a small tent, it was quickly extinguished on a trip to the Sangre De Cristo Mountains in Colorado with a church youth group.  I'm convinced the combination of 1) lack of sleep 2) high altitude flatulence and 3) instant breakfast burritos contributed to the hallucination of trail horses wearing cowboy hats and party dresses.

Matt has chosen Architecture as his field of study, with two and a half years to go before earning his Master's degree.  His focus and ability to get by on 3 hours of sleep served him well at the University of Minnesota and now at Washington University in St. Louis.  Sean, who will be attending the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire is looking at the medical field or engineering.  After serious consideration of private school, community college and public school, he is ready to leave high school (and all its immature trappings) behind.


I think the uncertainty of bringing children into this world is much easier than letting them go.

So much energy, money and time was spent on them while growing up, that the void left by their exit will be daunting.  Their mother has spend years assembling memories of their time with us in scrap books that reflect on their time and talents in elementary, middle and high school.

Life is a journey, whether you're lucky enough to have children or not.  Our journey has been one of tremendous joy and appreciation.  Our boys could not have turned out better.  Rest assured, we will be watching their continued success with worry and trepidation but with the realization that -- while they may go their own ways, work at different jobs and live in different cities -- they will always represent a piece of ourselves.  Our lives.  Our values.

Our boys -- two of a kind.